Help for the chronically broken marriage ? In the "Self Centered Spouse" author Brad Hambrick, part 5, suggests that "Humility" is an indication of change. I would say in working with couples that it's certainly an indication of a willingness to change. Many times individuals are looking to change the other to fit their expectations, to meet their needs, to validate their own view of life's circumstances. This just leads to a give and take, back and forth, tug of war, kind of conflict with nothing resolved, no change. Except maybe deepening the dysfunctional relationship conflict pattern. I like the authors suggestion to not look for humility in the actions of the other and in turn I would suggest that if you are attempting to communicate your own openness, willingness, to change, don't expect that doing things around the house, helping with the kids, communicates your own humility. "All these things are good, but they can be done without humility. They can be either penance or leverage." The author writes that evidence of humility is expressed by listing. Are you open to expressions of fear, hurt, insecurity, without making it about you or reacting defensively ? Are you tolerant of differences of opinion, changes in plans, flexible in your daily activities and gracious in your responses ? Giving others the benefit of the doubt ? When I see couples with chronic or high levels of expressed emotion resulting from some more recent circumstance, I find it particularly helpful to listen for, watch for, humility as a sign of strength, an indication of hope for restoration and health as we work toward that end.
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