Honor Your Mother and Father ?

I find that the phrase “Honor your mother and father” feels heavy for a lot of young adults. Not because they don’t love their parents—but because that verse has often been used to mean something it was not meant to carry: agreement, obedience, and compliance… even well into adulthood.

It leaves many young adults wondering: "If I grow into my own person… if I form my own opinions… if I make decisions my parents don’t agree with… am I dishonoring them?"

Some are even told exactly that by their parents. But that’s another post.

This question can quietly entangle itself with guilt and linger for years.

But here’s what I’ve learned through study, experience, and prayer: honor is not the same thing as obedience—especially in adulthood. And following Christ reshapes how we understand both honor and authority.

When Scripture tells us to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12), the word honor carries the idea of weight, value, and dignity. It does not mean unquestioning agreement. It does not mean surrendering your own discernment. You can say, “Thank you for your perspective,” and still choose a different path. You can appreciate their intentions without adopting their preferences. You can love them deeply without living the life they imagined for you.

For those who follow Christ, this becomes even more significant. Scripture tells us that when we come to Christ, our deepest identity changes: “If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We are invited to live from a new center of authority—not fear, not family pressure, not guilt—but the leadership of Christ Himself. Honoring parents now flows from who we are in Christ, not from who we are trying to please.

And honestly? Becoming independent doesn’t mean your parents failed. It means, in many ways, that they succeeded. Parents hope their children will grow into thoughtful, capable adults—people who can make decisions, carry responsibility, and live with integrity. Scripture itself speaks to this movement toward maturity: “When I became an adult, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Standing on your own two feet isn’t rebellion; it is evidence that you learned how to stand at all.

Following Christ does not return us to spiritual childhood. It calls us into spiritual maturity—learning to listen, discern, and obey God for ourselves.

Creating boundaries isn’t rejection. Setting limits doesn’t mean you are ungrateful or unloving. Boundaries can actually be one of the most respectful things you offer a relationship. They bring clarity. They say, “I care enough about us to protect this connection from resentment and emotional harm.” Scripture affirms this kind of wisdom: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding your heart is not dishonor—it is stewardship.

Pretending is far more dishonoring than telling the truth. Going along just to keep the peace only breeds quiet bitterness. Real honor begins to look like honesty without cruelty—being authentic without being combative—sharing your perspective with calm confidence. The guidance in “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) reminds us that truth without love wounds, love without truth withers, and honor needs both.

Your parents have their own story, their own values, their own wounds. You have your own story, too. Honoring your parents does not require erasing yourself. It means taking responsibility for your life, developing your own convictions, and becoming someone who contributes meaningfully to the world. Scripture affirms that personal responsibility matters: “Each of you should carry your own load” (Galatians 6:5). Living with integrity reflects honor back toward your parents—whether they recognize it or not.

For the Christian, this also means learning to live under the lordship of Jesus above every other voice. Jesus Himself said, “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). This is not a call to abandon parents—it is a call to reorder our love. Christ becomes our highest authority, and all other relationships, even sacred ones, must find their place beneath Him.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that love does not require agreement. Mature relationships can hold difference without shattering. Sometimes honoring looks like listening without trying to convince. Sometimes it looks like gratitude. Sometimes it looks like compassion for limitations. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Peace does not mean sameness. It means choosing relationship without surrendering truth.

Honoring also includes protecting yourself. If expectations become intrusive, manipulative, or harmful, honor does not mean enduring that quietly. Sometimes it means stepping back. Sometimes it means redefining contact. Sometimes it means refusing emotional pressure. Sometimes it means seeking support. Even Jesus, when boundaries were necessary, withdrew from the crowds (Luke 5:16). Choosing health over harm is not dishonor—it is stewardship of the life God has entrusted to you.

Honoring your parents is not about submission. It is always about posture. It is about how you speak, how you treat them, how you carry yourself—not about whether you agree or comply. You can honor them while living your own truth. You can respect them without obeying them. You can love them without losing yourself.

And for the Christian, this becomes even clearer: our ultimate allegiance is no longer to family expectations, cultural pressure, or inherited fears—it is to Christ. From that secure place of sonship and daughterhood, we are finally free to honor our parents not out of guilt, but out of love.

And perhaps that is the kind of honor God intended all along—not rooted in fear or guilt, but in dignity, truth, and love that is mature enough to stand on its own under the gentle lordship of Christ.